Morrow Hospitality Group

What HR is trained to see and what actually happens are not always the same thing. The first thing I want HR leaders to understand is that showing up to work does not mean someone is okay. I know that because I showed up. I was at the height of my career in Human Resources at a new company while experiencing domestic violence. I was leading people, solving problems, attending meetings and helping employees through their own crises while privately trying to survive mine. I became very good at compartmentalizing because I had to.

We have an image in our minds of what a domestic violence victim looks like. We expect someone to visibly fall apart. But many survivors become incredibly functional. We learn how to put ourselves together, walk into work and do what needs to be done because our livelihoods and families depend on it.

For me, my abuser was prosecuted and sentenced, and I thought, Finally, I can come up for air. But a few months later, I lost my job at the hotel. I had been fighting for dear life at home and fighting to remain effective at work. My leaders didn’t see survival. They saw a box that wasn’t being checked.

I believe in performance standards. But I also believe there is a difference between accountability and indifference.

When a previously capable employee begins struggling, address the performance issue, but don’t become so focused on the unchecked box that you fail to see the human being standing beside it.

From Recognition to Safety and Real Support

Knowing what to look for is only the beginning. To recognize the employee problem and give support without making assumptions is really important. Be curious without becoming intrusive. There is no checklist that allows HR to determine that someone is experiencing domestic violence. A change in attendance, concentration, appearance, behavior or performance can have many explanations. We shouldn’t diagnose someone’s personal life from the workplace.

What we can recognize is change. If someone who has historically been dependable begins missing deadlines, an engaged employee becomes withdrawn, or someone suddenly seems anxious about their phone, leaving work or who’s entering the building, don’t immediately decide what that behavior means.

Ask one more question: “I’ve noticed some changes lately, and before we talk about performance, I want to make sure you’re okay. Is there something happening that you need support with?”

HR has to respect their answer. Our job isn’t to force a disclosure. Our job is to create enough psychological safety that if there ever is a disclosure, the employee believes it is safe to make it.

We also need to stop asking, “Why didn’t she tell us?” For a professional woman, disclosure can carry another fear: “If I tell my employer what is happening to me, will they still see me as capable?” Sometimes work is one of the few places where a survivor still feels competent and in control.

Instead, HR should ask: “Have we created a workplace where she would feel safe telling us?”

Recognition and psychological safety only go so far without the policies and practices to back them up. A policy is important, but it’s not enough if employees are afraid to use it. Organizations should have a clear domestic violence or workplace violence response protocol, and employees should know where to go confidentially for assistance. Managers should also be trained because the first disclosure may happen to a supervisor or trusted coworker.

Organizations should think practically about safety. Who needs to know if there is a protective order or credible workplace threat? What happens if the abuser appears at the workplace? Does the receptionist know what to do? Does security? Can we protect information about an employee’s schedule, work location or contact information? Are temporary changes to parking, entrances, schedules or work arrangements possible when appropriate? What leave or benefits might be available? Where can we refer an employee for professional domestic violence services? These questions should be answered before someone needs them.

Confidentiality is critical. Information should be shared only as necessary for legitimate safety and business reasons.

Whenever possible, include the survivor in decisions affecting her. One defining characteristic of abuse is the loss of control. In attempting to protect an employee, the organization shouldn’t unintentionally take even more control away. Don’t automatically change her shift, move her location, reduce her responsibilities or remove opportunities without talking with her.

Ask: “What would help you feel safer at work?”

HR cannot rescue a victim. But we can make sure the workplace does not become another place where she feels powerless.

Compassion and Accountability Are Not Opposites

Hospitality has taught me that people don’t leave their lives at the employee entrance. Our industry moves incredibly fast. We deal with call-outs, staffing shortages, guest complaints, high-volume services and constant operational pressure. When someone doesn’t show up, the impact is immediate. Somebody else has to cover that section, station or shift. That makes accountability necessary, but it can also make us transactional if we’re not careful.

“They called out again.”

“They’re late.”

“Their performance has changed.”

“Write them up.”

Hospitality HR has taught me to ask what happened before deciding what it means. I wish I had been afforded that opportunity.

The employee may be dealing with domestic violence. Someone else may be experiencing a housing crisis, a death in the family, childcare problems or another significant life event. That doesn’t mean every policy violation disappears. It means we understand the circumstances before deciding on the appropriate response.

The best managers I’ve encountered understand that compassion and accountability are not opposites. You can say, “This attendance issue has to improve,” and still ask, “What is happening, and is there something we can do to help?” Both statements can exist in the same conversation. That’s the kind of leadership I want to continue building in hospitality.

The advice I would give to the HR professionals who want to be better prepared is simple. First, learn before the crisis happens. HR professionals don’t need to become domestic violence experts, therapists or law enforcement officers, but we should understand enough to respond appropriately when someone says, “I need help.”

Learn about domestic violence beyond physical abuse. Understand coercive control, stalking, financial abuse, technology-facilitated abuse and why leaving an abusive relationship can be complicated and dangerous. Know your organization’s policies, leave options, benefits, security procedures and legal obligations. Build relationships with qualified domestic violence organizations in your community so you’re not searching for resources for the first time while a frightened employee is sitting across from you.

Train managers on what to do, and what not to do, when someone discloses abuse.

You don’t need the perfect words. You don’t need to investigate whether the employee’s story is believable. You don’t need to ask, “Why didn’t you leave?”

Sometimes the most important thing an HR professional can say is: “Thank you for trusting me. Let’s talk about what you need to feel safe here and what resources may be available to you.”

My experience with domestic violence changed the HR professional I am. I still believe in policies, standards and accountability.

I will never again look at a missed deadline, an attendance problem, a sudden change in behavior or an unchecked box without remembering that there may be a human story behind it.

Someone in your organization may be surviving domestic violence right now. She may still be productive and smiling. She may even be the person everyone else comes to when they’re in crisis. She may be HR.

The question isn’t whether we can rescue her. We can’t. The question is whether we’ve built a workplace where, when she is ready to say, “I need help,” she knows she can safely say it.

Because if we’re going to call ourselves Human Resources, we cannot become so consumed with managing the resources that we forget to see the human.